Pregnancy week by week - the alternative truth

My friend is pregnant! She asked for some advice about what to expect. Well, all pregnancies are unique with their own weird twists and turns. This is how mine proceeded, and by all means, please feel free to elaborate and fill in any gaps!

It is 5 am and I can't walk because of contractions. My husband insisted a photo of this "magical moment".

Week 1-2 are the very best pregnancy weeks! Because you are not pregnant yet! Normal life, yay!
Week 3. Crazyparty like you're 20 again. You have no idea there is another Skywalker.

Week 4. Period no show. You feel ill and think you still have a hangover from all the partying. 

Week 5. You buy a test and pee on your pyjama sleeve. The result gives you a very faint blue line and you regard it as maybe a little. Your partner isn't buying it, googles and confirms that you are actually pregnant.

Week 6. The tiny cell formation in your uterus starts giving you some slight glimpses what lies ahead. You need to pee every 5 minutes, you feel tired, cold and nauseous. Oh, please mind the folic acid while throwing up, thank you. 

Week 7. Your tits turn into sore pumpkins, which makes walking an inconvenience. Let alone you will hit the person trying to touch them. 

Week 8. The shrimp has a heartbeat despite of week 3 bad life. The thing on the screen may not make you instantly fall in love. 

Week 10. Pants are getting tight even though they definitely should not. 

Week 11. Around this week is the mystical nuchal scan which makes you contemplate about probabilities for the first time in your life (if you don't do the lottery). The shrimp has developed into an alien. You will be tested for STD´s because of your wild sexlife while throwing up.

Week 12. Now you can tell the great news at work! Your colleagues must be really surprised after you have been loudvomiting in the ladies room and asking hysterically over lunch if the parmesan on your pasta is made from pasteurized milk.  

Week 13. Welcome to the "serene second trimester"! When the chronic hangover starts to pass, you can start working out again. At the gym you realize that you do not look like you are a glowing mother to be but just a grey-faced woman with a bloated waistline.

Week 14. In theory you can start to feel the foetal movement. In practice you just feel constipation.

Week 15. In your second (or more) pregnanacy people start to ask if your "due date" is next week. 

Week 16. Say goodbye to your last pair of normal pants. In return you will get heartburn.

Week 20. You get a strange feeling not every movement that feels like a fart is a fart. 

Week 21. Time for the really reassuring thing called anomaly scan! Your kid has organs! And fingers! And a really, really long.. no wait, that is the umbilical cord.

Week 22. You get up and you a) fall asleep and/or b) faint? Check your haemoglobin. Take iron. Spend quality time in the toilet again.

Week 23. Support stockings. Support pants. Support baby belt. You need support. 

Week 24. Nobody told you that you will have to say goodbye to your shoes too. Some women will even get them back, some don't.

Week 25. If you find consolation in statistics this is the point when the baby has a chance to survive on the outside. You are not sure if you can survive the kicking.

Week 26. At this point it is totally impossible to avoid the belly touching by strangers. "AWWWWWW!" It is ok to scream.

Week 27. The first set of pregnancy pants are too small now.

Week 28. The growing baby starts to require some (ok, a lot) more space so all of your organs are moving around. To the extent that you need to check if your liver can actually come out from your mouth. 

Week 29. At his point the foetus starts to exercise its lungs - in order to be able to scream at you red-faced for the first 5 years. If you don't feel weird enough just wait for the feeling that you have hiccups in your butt. 

Week 30. At his point, all fallen items remain fallen since it is impossible to pick anything up from the floor. The irony is your fingers turn into sausages and you drop everything.  

Week 31. The kiddo starts to practise yoga and headstands. Your belly gets a life of its own. Good news is that nobody kicks you in the bladder anymore.

Week 32. You did not know that your bellybutton can hurt. It can. Actually, very very weird places around your... krhm... lower abdomen hurts.

Week 33. Try to avoid sneezing and coughing publically. You risk wetting your pants or farting out loud. Wear tunics. 

Week 34. The bloating gets worse, and the internet tells you that there is a condition called elephantiasis. Fingers crossed it is not the hottest summer in decades. 

Week 35. If you have slept well this is where it gets worse. They say "it prepares you for motherhood". It doesn't. It just makes you grumpy.

Week 36. It's the final countdown. Thank god for maternity leave. You don't have any professional looking clothes to wear and your chair is so tiny.  

Week 37. You don't have any fitting clothes to wear except for the double sheet. Zero. But hey no worries, it is also impossible to get dressed. 

Week 38. You are oh so ready for the baby to arrive, you have cleaned the house, packed the hospital bag and renovated the room and now you just wait. But even the preliminary contractions have stopped. 

Week 39. Each and everyone asks if you have you had your baby yet. Try to be polite and avoid shouting I WILL LET YOU KNOW.

Week 40. It feels like you are sitting even though you are standing. It's okay to cry. Forget about cleaning and sex, have Netflix, chocolate and crisps. And remember: the night is darkest just before the dawn. 

Good luck to everyone with the countdown!!!